This is what happens when I close my eyes

If I was a simple man
Would we still walk hand in hand?
If I suddenly went blind,
Would you still look in my eyes?
What happens when I grow old,
And all my stories have been told?
Will your heart still race for me,
Or will it march to a new beat?
If I was a simple man...

If I was a simple man,
I'd own no home, I'd own no land.
Would you still stand by my side?
Would our flames still burn so bright?

Sometimes I wonder why
I'm so full of these endless rhymes
About the way I feel inside
I wish I could just
Get
it
right.


I don't know why I am still writing in this old fucking thing.
I should just throw it all away.
Am I really sad?
Or am I just angry?
I can't tell the difference
Sometimes I wish I was the monster
They all want me to be
Maybe then it'd be easier
But most of the time
I want them all to just grow the fuck up
And face the cold hard fact of reality
That despite their private school
And their rich homes
In their quaint little town
The world is full of sick and twisted mistakes
All waiting to happen
With only a single push.

They can point their fingers
And they can pretend to care
But if they really cared they wouldn't have turned
The other cheek
And left me alone
They would have seen past it
And they would have fucking tried
Just like I try every day

But with you,
It's different.
I cannot even begin to think
Of how much I hurt you
But I can't keep
Thinking about mistakes
I want to help you
I want you to know
Your whole being is beautiful
And I wish I could prove it
But I don't know if that
Will even happen anymore.

There's just been
Too much
My mother says
That 'what's yours is yours,
Regardless of whoever else comes around
Or how much time passes.'
I know I'm young
And I know life has only just begun
But I don't feel that young
I've seen so much pain
I've felt out of control
I've let myself sink into that cloud
And I've tasted smoke through her tongue
How can I be so young?
I've seen so much.
These thoughts are real
Regardless of age
These feelings are surreal
And they have been felt by billions.
How the fuck has humanity dealt with so much pain?
How do we keep going?
Why do we keep going?
Why hasn't He made some other plaything
To amuse him and entertain him
Because clearly,
If Christianity is true
He is a sadistic prick.

Fuck it.
I'm not sad.
I'm not angry.

I'm just full of clichéd angst.

Happy Birthday, Darling.

So.
I was hoping I would
Forget the date this morning.
Regardless of that desire,
It is January 6th.
And I miss you.
It hasn’t been a week.
I am trying so hard
Not to think
Not to breathe you in
To forget your name
To forget your face
But everywhere I look
I still see you.
I don’t want an answer to this
I don’t want to know nothing has changed
I want you in between my arms
Pressed against my chest
Until the beating slows
And I can finally rest.
But I must be realistic
I must not be so damn romantic
Because it’s killing me
And it’s killing you.

I’m tired.
You must be tired too.
I’m sorry.
This is sending shivers
Through my spine
And into my fingertips
Why can’t you just stay
Three thousand miles away?
I know why
You can’t stay
Three thousand miles away
Because I need you here,
At bay.

I don’t like to think that
You won’t be in my life again
But its something I might have to get
Used to.
I am sorry that I threw my burden
Onto you
You’ve carried my weight far enough
But I am selfish
And I want you to be mine
But I want you to be yours, too.
I don’t want to hide
I can’t bear to subside
Because they don’t want
You and me
To be together.
I am sorry
If this is not what you wanted
To hear today.
I just wanted to say
Despite the cliché
That I will always love you

But if I have to
I will go back to
Leaving that on the backburner
While the rest of my time
I know that each rhyme
I write is for you
Each broken chord
From any of my numerous
Guitars
Are brought out
By a subconscious need
To just fucking recede
This very conscious desire
To love and admire
You.

I wish you the best
Let this be a test
For time alone will let me know
If we should just let go.

She's calling out to me
She tells me,
'Anything you want, you'll have.'
Can't help but wonder when it's going to break.

'Things have changed,'
I tell her,
You've got to understand.
Nothing ever stays that long anyways.

People come and go,
They say,
But memories last forever.
Sometimes I wish those memories could fade.

Is it unfair to feel alone
When you've got everyone around you
Wishing you all the best?

Is it unfair to want something you can never really have?
Or is it just desire?
It can't be just desire.
God, I wish it was desire.

Agua

Còmo quieres ser mi amiga,
Si por ti daria la vida?

Si confundo tu sonrisa
Por camelo si me miras...

Rázon y piel,
Dificil mezcla.

Agua y sed--
Serio problema.

Como quieres ser mi amiga,
Si por ti me perderia?

Si confundo tus caricias,
Y camelo si me mimas...

Pasíon y ley,
dificil mezcla.

Agua y sed.....

Serio problema.

Cuando uno tiene sed, pero el agua no esta cerca.



Ultimamente me he sentido muy indeciso. Toda la musica que escucho en español me ha empezado a despertar una hambre y una gana muy fuerte de conocer el país que nunca pude habitar suficiente tiempo para entender. Envidio a mis hermanos, y todas las cosas que ellos vieron en su adolesencia, pero al mismo tiempo, esa hambre y esa gana son una fuerza que me jala--como una esperanza para el futuro. Cuando sea major de edad podré volver a mi país, y veré todo lo que nunca tuvé la oportunidad de conocer. Todavia espero que todo eso lo podré ver contigo a mi lado. Pero ultimamente me has dicho cosas que verdaderamente espero que sean solamante muy temporarias. Mis sentimientos por ti no han cambiado, quizas un poco, pero en realidad yo todavia te amo. Y creo que te amaré por bastante tiempo. Quanto quiero volver a ver tus ojos. Ojala pronto--este verano--te podré volver a ver. La falta que me haces es inmensa.

Me and Jesus don't talk anymore.

I'll drown my beliefs

To have your babies.

I'll dress like your niece,

And wash your swollen feet.





Just don't leave.

Don't leave.

I'm not living,

I'm just killing time.

Your tiny hands,

Your crazy kitten smile.



Just don't leave.

Don't leave.


And true love lives

In lollipops and crisps.

And true love waits

In haunted attics.


Just don't leave.

Don't leave.





I just hope they're still there.

That they're just hiding,

And when I can see your eyes again,

They'll come back.

The wisdom is in the trees, not the glass windows.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so scared of those three words.
It can't be denied that they do hurt you.
The moment you say them to someone,
You change a friendship to something else entirely
And you can't take it back.
Taking it back would hurt the person more than it hurts you.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
I care about her a lot.
She has made the days a lot easier to bare.
But whenever I am away from her,
I feel a sense of guilt
Not just because I can't bring myself to mean
Those three words
But because I don't feel an unstoppable inclination
To be with her always,
To constantly want her near me.

But is that really a bad thing?
Things seem to be going well.
I haven't lied to her.
I haven't hurt her.
She's happy.

I know that I will never be content with her entirely.
She will never be enough for me.
I will never grow to want her like I wanted you.
Perhaps, if enough time passed, and we were to not ever speak again--
Maybe then it would be possible.
There is no chance that I will ever willfully break contact with you.
You mean too much to me
In far too many ways
For me to just try and forget you.

I know that no matter what happens now,
No matter what I continue to tell myself,
I have come to understand
That these are all just well contrived distractions
And that no matter what happens in my life
I need to continue what ended so forcefully.
I have to know if what we had can become something so fulfilling;
So perfectly dysfunctional;
So very happy.



These distractions just won't last.
Is this really what's become of everything we've ever had?
I think I need assistance.
My problem is re-occurring again.

I hope I'll find relief.

Delicate.

So why'd you fill my sorrows with the words you borrowed from the only place you've known?
And why'd you sing Hallelujah, if it means nothing to ya? Why'd you sing with me at all...?

We might live like never before. When there's nothing to give, well how can we ask for more?


How can we ask for more when we know there's nothing that can be done about it?


Why do I struggle with what I don't know?

Why don't I ever try a challenge?

Am I really that afraid of failing?

Why would she lead me on like that...I mean, it was only a couple days ago we talked about how what happened between us was just because we both needed recluse.


I'm starting to think we stayed together out of fear of dying alone.

Who knows. I am so confused right now. I don't think I've ever wanted so many people at the same time before. This is overwhelming. Distance is such a terrible obstacle. It's the only barrier that holds me back. The only thing that keeps me in place.
This imbalance, and this need to feel comforted for no particular crime.
I'm such a self-absorbed person.

Don't throw yourself like that in front of me. I kissed your mouth, your back...is that all you need? What I am to you is not real. What I am to you, you do not need. What I am to you is not what you mean to me, you give me miles and miles of mountains, and I'll ask for the sea.

I wish I could put these expressions into music. I try, but I get discouraged. I'll work on that.

I've been thinking a lot about that night, back on the beach in your neighborhood. When we were all gathered around. It was beginning to get dark outside. I remember looking up at the stars, and the next thing I knew you were on top of me. Your lips touching mine. You gave me memories that will last me for the rest of my life. I miss you so much sometimes. All of these people here, they can't ever give me the comfort you gave me. They'll never know how to look at me and be able to calm my every worry and problem with just a glimpse of amber eyes.

Oh well. Time to go play some music.

I want to sit on a stool,
In the middle of an open loft that has been splattered with paint
and has massive posters in select places.
Not enough to distract attention from the emptiness
and open feeling of the room, but just enough to give it a warm feeling.
I want to carry an amplifier in there,
and I want to bring my guitars.
A microphone would be there.
A piano, and you would be sitting behind it.
Maybe the sun would be setting,
Or maybe it would be rising.
Whenever we're together,
Time doesn't affect our ambiance.
If we were alone
With no one to distract us
Would time stop?
Would it keep going?
I guess we'll find out someday.
The music would start.
Words wouldn't be necessary yet,
So the sound would carry through the room
Free of any voices filling the air.
There would only be music,
And the constant breathing of our efforts.
I think I could be content there.
I think we could be happy,
Just you and me.
But sometimes I wonder if I am just dreaming
And when I wake, I'll see that none of this is really here.
That all of these ideals,
All of these beliefs and misconceptions are just illusions,
Like the nightmares that surround your mind when you sleep
And my hopes of ridding you of them.
I don't know.
Maybe we are dreaming.
I like this dream and I'll keep on pretending that it is real
Because until I wake from it
This is about as real as it gets.