So selfish.

Two words that could describe actions of mine when patience is in short supply.
We don't need to say good-bye. We don't need to fight and cry.

It is 1:17 AM. It is indeed the New Year. The year of 2008. It's going to take a while to get used to writing that when I am marking the date down on any paper I write in school. It's all part of adjusting. Life is nothing but adjusting to change, and hoping to be prepared for what comes next. I'm not sure how I feel about the New Year yet. I got really teary-eyed when I was talking to my brothers, who hugged me harder than they ever have and told me that this should be the year that I begin to pursue something that I am passionate about. They told me that I should not feel pressured to do anything, but to simply listen to myself and to my talents and do what I know deep down inside is what I have always wanted to do. They told me that they loved me not just as brothers, but as if I was their own son. The relationship that others have with their fathers is something that I will never truly have, but I think I've got it far better. I have an amazing mother, and two brothers who are far better than any father I could ever ask for. This past year has gone by faster than any other year of my life, it seems. So many things happen, and I've grown so much. It's surprising to look back to the beginning of a year right as it is ending, and trying to remember the kinds of things you wanted, thought, felt, desired, cherished, and compare them to how you are now. It really shows you how much you grow.

The celebration for this New Year was unusual. I feel selfish. My family was, and still is downstairs, enjoying themselves and being happy to be with each other--happy that we are together as a true family for the first time in perhaps 6 years, but I don't seem to fit in down there. Everyone is too happy. I don't know how I feel, and every time I go down someone asks me if something is wrong. That is a question I don't like, because I haven't got an answer for it. So I've spent most of my time in this little room, with my guitar, this laptop, and my music. I have been playing all night, occasionally going downstairs to see if the food was ready, but mainly to assure everyone that I was still alive.

I had a beer and half a glass of champagne. Alcohol does not entice nor repudiate me. It is something that I know damn well can fuck you up. It destroyed what father I may have had, and so did religion. Therefore I haven't got faith in the church, nor do I ever want to turn alcohol into something of pleasure. Obviously, on New Year's, you have to drink a little bit. But like I said, it does not entice me, or repudiate me. It is a drink. I am addicted to water, and root beer.

I'm missing someone really badly right now. It happens every once in a while. Specially when you go downstairs and see both of your brothers happy with their women. They'll all be leaving soon to go have fun in DC. I will most likely remain awake reading Batman.

And so, the New Year has begun. I wish all of your wishes and desires come true. I know I'll be pushing my limits this year.

New Year's Resolution

God doesn't know how long it's been since I made a post on this dusty old thing. Blogging is apparently back in business with some of my closest, so I figured I'll give it a bang too.

My life is nucking futs. Like, majorly, right now. Not sure if that's a bad thing, or a good thing. A lot of things have happened in the most recent days, yet most of it has been kind of on the inner part, and not in any way on the outer part. Mainly, because during this break I have basically gone out of the house twice. It's really, really sad. But I've had a lot of time to reflect on things.

First things first, I have noticed that teenagers are really, really horny in December. It's really odd. Everyone is horny. Including myself. But yeah, anyways.

A lot of things have happened to me this year. The best relationship began in late November of 2006, and ended in very late August of this year. Did it end because of something that happened between us, you may ask (probably not)? No. We were fine. But I guess life wasn't ready to handle us. LOL. I didn't end up moving, like I wanted to. I didn't get a lot of things I wanted to, but I've started to try and accept that. It was hard, ending the summer. The end of that summer symbolized too many things. More than I really knew at that time. It was the end of something left unfinished. It was supposed to be the end of this life, and the start of a new one, almost a completely clean slate. It was the beginning of high school. It was the beginning of growing up. I could go on.

Right now, I can say that although the relationship ended, the friendship will never, ever end. That was the biggest fear I had when I ended the summer. The fear that I would lose her forever, not just as my girl, but as a person in general. That when she moved, with the new life she'd begin, everything would just be left aside. It was a completely foolish thought, to think that someone as amazingly caring as her would ever think of doing that to anyone here, who she cared for and who cared for her the way they did (and still do!)
But it was the thing that really broke me down. The fear of abandonment. From anyone, really. The end of that summer also symbolized a new life without the same people who were always with me. It was something that I wasn't ready for, and while the summer continued, I didn't have to think about it. I could keep telling myself "You'll be fine, don't worry."

I lol at that idea now.

I usually never break down. I'm a generally strong person, specially about emotional things. But in the words of Juno, I was dealing with things far beyond my maturity level.

But enough emoness about that. The new school year began, and I started to realize that it would be very hard to forget about her. I decided I would cope with the feeling, and get through it. I went through a relationship that I at first thought did not do me much good. Thinking about it now, I am glad I had it. It was what I needed. It wasn't the best thing I could've done, granted, but it did not end badly. I am still very good friends with her.

Two nights ago I saw an amazing movie. It's called Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. If you have not seen it, rent it/buy it/idkseeitsomehow. It's fantastic. I had one of those moments where you're watching a movie or reading something, and although it has absolutely nothing to do with you personally, when you finish it, you have a mindfuck and realize some hella inner deep thing about yourself. I ended up summerizing the past three years of my life in a very small tangent in a conversation, and truly learned how ridiculously uncontrollable change is. One year, you can have all these plans for your life, and within months, your entire world can easily be shook upside down and rightside up again, and suddenly everything changes like one of those silly bubble things that people collect. You know, those little semi-circle worlds that usually have some fake snow in there. Except the snow changed colors when it was shook.
I realized how import it is to treasure the people around you, and to enjoy every moment spent with them, because they can leave your life forever, and rarely give a damn phone call.

I also realized that dwelling on the past can hurt you a hell of a lot. I also learned that there is nothing wrong in making plans for the future, though. Which leads me to the title of said blog: My New Year's resolution.

I want to get a haircut. (Easy one)
I want to try to get somewhere musically (Hard one)
i want to try and improve my relationship with my father (Hard one)
I want to try and get a MacBook (Moderate one)
I want to spend more time with people I love (Very important one)
I want to try to say LEET, LEET, LEET! at 1:37 pm/am every day. Military time would be 13:37 (SUP3R IMP0RT@NT)

But most importantly...

You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend,
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
WE SURE ARE CUTE, FOR TWO UGLY PEOPLE!
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du

Up up down down left right left right B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You are always trying to keep it real
I'M IN LOVE WITH HOW YOU FEEL.
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quijote was a steel driving man
My name is DANNY I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Squinched up your face and did a dance
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But you.

http://www.myspace.com/themanalightproject/ <3