Three years.

I lie in bed here, sick with influenza and a tiresome cough. The winter season is not one that I have ever liked, and the fact that my immune system always seems to be weaker during this time of year does not help at all. I just spent the last 10 minutes breathing in steam from some silly machine to try and clear out my sinuses. I am not sure it really did anything.
I hate being sick. I am not going to be able to go to school tomorrow. Today was bad enough. I missed half the classes anyway, blowing my nose and coughing. I guess it's better I just stay home and get better. I hope that I will be all right by tomorrow. This weekend should be eventful, I hope. I plan on getting a haircut. That is the most important thing. As for being with friends and what not, I don't know. I don't want to make plans. Maybe I can get my mom to get me some new glasses. That'd be cool. Maybe then I could finally see stuff clearly. I don't really like wearing glasses, but they're all right, I suppose. At least I can see with them. I haven't had glasses since the beginning of the year. I lost my awesome pair that had the converse symbol on them. They were hella vintage. And hella expensive, so my mom got pissed.
I've got a lot of school shit to do. I have 3 projects due in the next couple of days. Two oral presentations; one is simply 15 lines from The Iliad, and the other is an entire conversation in French from a book. I am not happy about the latter, but hopefully it won't be terrible. The last project, though, I am somewhat excited about. We have to write a creative story/project where we write a "lost book" for the Odyssey. It'll be pretty fun. I should get to work on that, probably. I should work on all of the projects....

Anyways, on a less school-ish note, I had the best weekend in the world (last weekend). My amazing full-time friend and part-time lover came to visit and we hung out basically on each of the days she was here, and it was really amazing. I miss her a lot. We've been trying to work things out between us, and we have made plans for when we can be together again. I am happy.
I think I had another genuine reason to blog, but I cannot remember it. Oh well. That's it for now, I guess.

Your love means everything.

When the breeze blows sometimes
It reminds me that you're here.
And I can't help but wonder how the silence
Makes it all so clear.
What was here now is gone.
All that's left is this thought.
Dusty people dancing with the song,
We'll just live it all night until the morning sun comes up.
Keep your head up don't you stop the fun,
Let's just live it all night until the morning sun comes up.
As colored pictures start to fade into sepia,
And all the memories turn to gray
There's moments when I start to think about them looking down from heaven,
Saying enjoy your stay.
It all ends, I can feel your disappointment
But if you end now, you'll feel the same.
Dusty people dancing with the song,
We'll just live it all night until the morning sun comes up.
Keep your head up don't you stop the fun,
Let's just live it all night until the morning sun comes up.
I think of this dusty road
And it's simple fate
Words flow around the atmosphere
Living as we wait...
Dusty people dancing with the song,
We'll just live it all night until the morning sun comes up.
Keep your head up don't you stop the fun,
Let's just live it all night until the morning sun comes up...


It's been a while since I even thought about this thing. School has been busy. Life has been busy. My mind has been forgetful. But I decided I was in the mood to write tonight.

I've been having a lot of really odd changes in the past few days. I've been making out with my ex-girlfriend, yet we both agreed that we don't want anything besides that. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore.

There's been a lot of work going on for my podcast on my part, mostly. I've been contacting bands through the web to get new music to play and advertise on the podcast. I've gotten in contact with a lot of really awesome people, and some really talented musicians are actually talking to me. I only thought that happened in dreams. I mean, they're not as big as for example Matthew Bellamy or something, but they're really talented musicians. It's brought me to the realization that all those celebrities and really famous musicians are all regular people, but we place sometimes ridiculous amounts of emphasis on their appearances or talents, but in the end they are just regular people who are very good, or in some cases, very rich.

It's pretty damn cool to be able to say that I'm friends with people like Frank Bell, David Choi, Moby Noor, Devin Smith, and people like that. Granted, really few people know who most of those are, but the important thing is that I know who they are, and I know that they're amazing.

We've been trying to have one specific, serious topic on the podcast now. It's really gotten to be something I look forward to doing weekly, instead of just something out of boredom. And now that I figured out that using Skype can also work, we can have a whole bunch of guests from all over. It's really awesome.

I went to see the Battle of The Bands show last night with my friends, and I got to talk to some of the musicians who played, and enjoyed it a whole lot more than I expected. I'm definitely looking forward to next year's show. There's some kids out there who've got ridiculous amounts of talent. It's made me wish I could really learn to play guitar that well. I love playing guitar more than a lot of things in my life, but I'm not anywhere near as talented as some of the people my age are. I'm not going to give it up, though. I've got a pretty big passion for music, and I'm going to push it forward.

We've been given the electives for next year's course. I was going over it a couple weeks ago with two of my friends, and they were all talking about what they wanted to do to get into a big college and what they wanted to do afterwards. It made me feel really odd, and I don't know...kind of left out. I don't know what I want yet. I've got a lot of passions, and a lot of things that make me happy, but I don't know what it is that I really want. Whenever I think about the future, one song comes to my mind. It's an incredible song, called This Is A Lie, by the Cure. The first verse goes like this:

How each of us decides
I’ve never been sure
the part we play
the way we are
how each of us denies any other way in the world
why each of us must choose
I’ve never understood
one special friend
one true love
why each of us must lose everyone else in the world

It isn't necessarily true, that each of us just picks one thing to do in our lives. I mean, everyone always tells me that there's one thing all of us are cut out for, but I don't know what that is. I don't want to have to pick a favorite. I'm most likely going to end up trying one thing, deciding it isn't the thing for me, and switching, and switching, and switching. School seems more like a pass-time for me. Something we all have to do in order to learn what is basic in our lives, and a place to socialize and begin to introduce ourselves into a diverse community that is supposedly comparable to dealing with what the world is. As we get older, we are challenged more and more, and more and more is expected of us. We are put in situations we are unfamiliar with and expected to react the way that has been taught is true, and correct.

Right now, I don't think I'm in a position to be put in charge of a decision that big. A decision that will determine my entire life. So I'm going to take the advantage that there are two more years, at least, where I can still think about it. Whatever that decision is, I know that in three years I will be able to finish something that was started, but never finished. No, I don't think finish is the right word. That makes it seem as though I want it to end briefly. In three years, I will be able to continue something that was started, but was cut short. Just thinking about that fills me with all kinds of happiness. I want school to end just so it can happen. I'm a selfish, selfish person, and I don't really seem to care. But until then, I need to manage with what is around me, and I have to prove to myself that I am not simply waiting and waiting for it to happen. That my life is still happening, and that I am still in what little control I can be of it. My head is buzzing like a snare right now. Too many thoughts and too many ideas and too many worries are all conjoining and forming a wall of protection from everything outside of me, so that I can try and form thoughts that make sense to anyone else but me.

That's all for tonight, I think. Tomorrow I need to study for my French midterm. I am afraid. Very, very afraid.

My new toy.

From the moment I set foot in the commercial gathering place that is "the mall", and I travelled deep into it's corners, and found what is known as "The Apple Store", I knew that there was something about that place that truly brought me inside. The Macbooks. Those beautiful, ridiculously perfect little machines. Before I wanted an iPod, before anything else came out, I knew that I wanted one. Badly.
Last year, I began to save up for one. It was not until this year that I truly began to make that saving up an actual goal, and today I bought my very own macbook. With my own money. It is perhaps the best thing I own right now. It is going to allow me to get so many places musically, first of all. The podcast is going to be improved very much with it. Second, I am going to be able to edit great amounts of photography with Abode Photoshop, and great amounts of film footage with iMovie. Basically, this computer is exactly what I wanted, and I got it. I am very happy right now. I am sorry if it sounds like bragging, but I feel like I deserve this.

On another note, I saw Juno for the second time today. I really, really love that movie. A lot. It's such an amazing film. When it comes out on DVD, I am going to buy it and watch it many, many times. I am going to buy the soundtrack at some point.

Tomorrow, or well, actually later today I shall finish my homework, and on Monday I will return to school. I am not very happy about going back, because of midterms, and homework. But I am happy to see my friends again, and have Ancient Civ. classes.

Lately, I have been having an on-going conversation via e-mail with this great guy from Pakistan who e-mailed me and my co-host on our gmail account for the podcast, saying that he would appreciate it if we would give his music a listen and play it on our 'cast. We did, and we loved it. To the point where we did indeed play his music, and then we let him know. He replied to our e-mail almost immediately, and I took the initiative of talking to him. We began to discuss music, starting the topic with me mentioning how much I was dissapointed in Bon Jovi's music, and that I only liked it before he cut his hair. The conversation took off from there to talking about how he began to make music, and deep conversations about the direction that music is taking these days, and how record labels no longer care about talent, but mainly just appearance and quick money. About draining bands that look good and sound okay, but can whip out catchy singles and videos and make appearances at a bunch of places with investing the least amount of money possible. About how music has taken a turn for the worst because of this, but that there are always those bands out there who still come out that care about their music more than any appearance and record label, and do what they want to do knowing that even though they are not ridiculously famous, they will get fans who appreciate the music for what it is, and for it's true and authentic value.
He told me that he cannot really read music that well. He told me he was mainly a musician of hearing, and that he would have his entire songs circling around in his head, and he would get the guitar and the vocals squared perfectly, and he'd have people he knew well, and who knew him well to help him work out the rest, but in the end he was the one who made everything. He is truly an inspiration to me, because his songs are so passionate and real, you know? And the fact that he doesn't know all the fancy names for music clearly does not slow him down. I mean, sure, knowing all that would help in getting everything exactly right, but in the end it is the talent and the inspiration and your own personal ideas that make you a good musician. I told him how I don't really know much, but that I've tried recording some stuff mainly from boredom and curiosity of what people think about it, and he encouraged me to continue doing it, and that soon people would see if my music was good, and they'd encourage me the way that I was encouraging him, as a musician.
It really got to me, you know? To think that, first of all, I am having this great conversation about music that started from signing up my crazy podcast onto a massive podcast website, and that I was getting to know this amazing musician that was from the other side of the world.
Now I really wish that I could get a little band or something together, with people who I know well, and who can bring their own personality to the group and see where it goes. The amusing part is, I know plenty of friends who can play guitar, but not that many who can play much else. And the few that can, don't really want to get in a band .__.

Alas, I am in no rush. There are many things to keep me busy in my life, but I think that music is definitely something I want to try to pursue, as well as drawing, and photography, and perhaps writing. I have been told that I have a knack for all that is art. I guess I was born to be an "artist". Now I just need to figure out which art truly makes me happy.

Mmmmm, what'cha say?

I have been awake since 5:30 in the morning. My mother barged into my room and told me that I had to get up, because I had to help dial phones to make appointments at the fuck-me-A (also known as the Motor Vehicle Association). I did not get up from bed until about 6, because I could not see any hint of light outside my window. I did not really see much of a hint of light until about 6:30. I don't think it is healthy for people to wake up this early, and for those that wake up even earlier, then I truly feel sorry for you. Waking up early is one thing I truly, really despise.

Right now I am listening to the monotonous tone of a ringing signal telling me that maybe the call will get through. It is rather calming. I would love to do this as a full-time job. Dialing phones all day? Fuck YES. That sounds so god damn SWELL.

Anyway, my break had just begun to improve when this whole dialing phones from 7 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon deal was brought up by my dear parental unit at about 11:10 last night, when I had already made plans with multiple people to meet downtown. But whatever, I'm just a stupid teenager. My plans don't matter. I am self-centred, and need to stick my plans up my ass because I need to be ready to do whatever my mother commands. Any plans I may have had today and tomorrow are gone. I return to school on Monday. I am very disappointed in myself for not having done anything this break with my friends except for seeing Juno. It's really depressing.

Last night was fun, though. I spent the afternoon and evening with two of my friends, one who I basicly live with because he lives up the street, and he is my faithful and loving beesnatch, whom I need to survive, and my other friend who I have not seen in a long time, ironically enough, because he has a girlfriend now. I remember not that long ago, the dilemma was vice-versa. The relationship he has right now is somewhat disturbingly too similar to the one I had, as well. Except they're a little creepier. But I am happy for them. They deserve it.

We toasted to the new year with some Milo, and we went to finish an incredible movie called Donnie Darko. Afterwards, we worked on an episode of my podcast, and then had some more fun, perhaps a little too much, messing with people online. Afterwards, they left and I went downstairs to hear of how I had to wake up and do this for both today and Friday. At least the weekend is still not massacred. Homework needs to be finished sometime soon. I don't know when that will be. But I'll get it done.

I am not looking forward to midterms. At all. They look and sound scary. And really boring, too. I was really shocked to hear that we actually have a winter break, like not that far away. Is it just me, or does it seem rather ridiculous that we have so many breaks? I mean, I am not complaining but it's just with so many breaks it seems like we have more time off of school than actually in it. Winter break will be weird. I am looking forward to Spring break, though. Like, a whole lot. I'm hopefully going to be seeing three of my most favorite people of all time on the other side of the country, who I have not seen in far, far, far too long. Anyways, I think this silly phone is going to start telling me to do things soon, so I shall go.

ALVAREZ--OUT.